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| "Eddy M. Gana Jr.is thinking, 'Reflection, not rumination, is healthy for the mind, both the good and bad times.' 35 minutes ago clear"
Sometimes, people just fade away.
Their laughter; mere whispers carried by the wind.
The memories, the emotions,
the good times, and the bad times.
The late night phone calls and the text messages.
The American Online instant messages
and the timeless hangouts at my house.
The joy I felt being with you all.
The despair I felt being without you all.
The confusion I felt with and without you all.
Torn up inside, intentionally and unintentionally,
you drifted away from our friendship
as if being friends meant for us to be rubber bands; pulling
each other together,
only to be shot off in two different directions after we let go.
No more phone calls, texts, or hellos.
With some people,
goodbyes were never an option.
They left as I left.
Remembering me for who I was
as I remember them as who they were.
We all are so different now.
Unrecognizable,
even if you were my own face, I wouldn't
recognize you in the mirror. Instead,
I have only recognized that we are no longer friends. However,
this is not a confirmation of permanency. I miss you.
I miss the good and bad times I have had with you. I miss that. But,
I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes people just fade away?
Fuck that!
I will reach out with both my hands to you, but
if I do not feel your subtle touch, do not
worry.
I will take no offense to it... whatsoever.
But, please
don't ever say
I never tried.
I wrote a prose about "people"... To make things clear, this is not
about one person, but about groups of people whom I have lost contact
with over the years...
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| I'm at gateway right now listening to the video game soundtrack of Metal Gear Solid 4. I was writing and reading for my C114: Miscarriages of Justice paper due this Wednesday. But, I've decided to take a break and release my thoughts through this blog.
My counseling sessions have ended for this quarter. I will do my best to start writing in this Xanga again. I have come to realize how much it has helped me cope with my emotions and organize my thoughts. Never thought that Xanga was so beneficial for my social psychological health. Well why thank you, Xanga.
As for recent events, Stephanie's brother, Richard, arrived at the John Wayne Airport yesterday. I am always so happy to see Steph interact with her brother. Reminds me so much of my sister and I, like the talks we have and just that brother-sister chemistry that no other relationship can duplicate. Blood is thicker than water as they say. I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving to see my family again. It feels like it's been forever since I've been back in the Bay. I just want this quarter to end already, so I can make my way home for Winter Break! Oh, how times flies when you're having fun... or just being busy. lol.
Today at Uncultivated Rabbits, Natina facilitated a workshop called, Poetry Peer Review. We were all divided into groups of 3. In my group, there was Robert and Alex. An interesting group because I could relate to both of them in terms of style. Robert has that simple complexity going on, while Alex has that rhythm and rhyme flowing. It was great receiving their feedback on my unfinished piece, "Ef.El.Eye.Pee." I was actually amazed today when Robert said that he never heard of F.L.I.P. being used like that. When I asked, "What do you mean?". He meant that he never knew "flip" was a derogatory term. He said that his mother always told him that it was a bad word, but never really told him why. Well, I am glad to know that now he knows what F.L.I.P. stands for. That is all I ask for with my piece: to let people know and understand that "flip" is a derogatory acronym coined for Filipino people during World War II, Fucking Little Island Person. Great workshop today. If anything, I just wish we had more time to discuss, but there's not much you can do about time when it just keeps on ticking away...
I am excited for Uncultivated Rabbits this year. It makes me sad knowing that I was never really that involved with it until last year, Spring quarter. I had been a part of Uncultivated Rabbits since my first year, but it's only this year, my final year as a senior, that I am helping to organize it. =/. Sad. In a sense, I wish I was more active in it years past, but I cannot change the past now. I can only aim forward, and I hope that with our choices today as the very first Uncultivated Rabbits Board, this one and only spoken word and poetry organization will grow ever more into the RABBIT that it is. For John Nguyen, Mark Maza, Joanne Yao, Dani Young, Chris Balasinski, and Jesse Cheng, Uncultivated Rabbits will continue to BREED ART!
Have you ever looked at your hands? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I am moving my hands."? I have. It's a mind-boggling thought. I am moving my hands because I want to. I am moving them with my brain. I am an entity. I am a living organism comprised of many living organisms to make me, ME. If those many little living organisms make up me, then who is the giant living organism that I am really? Who am I? What am I? Sorry if this is too philosophical, but this thought has crossed my mind before and I just want to record it down. Perhaps, I can expand on this more when I look back at this one day in the future.
Today in my Criminology class, we watched this video segment on the Norfolk Four. It's actually the case that I have to write about due this Wednesday. Anyways, I wanted to talk about what the husband of the victim said. He said something like, "You'll never know when's the last time you're going to see someone." He then talked about to be sure to part with loving words because if you get in a fight with someone, you'll never know of those hurtful words would be the last words you ever hear from them or they ever hear from you. I've always thought about this. Here and there, I would forget because, like most young people, I don't ever think that I am going to die today or tonight. It may happen. True. Who knows. Being reminded of it is not to be grim though, it actually pushes me to live life fuller. Makes me think about the hurtful things I've told people. Makes me think that the last time I saw Nanay alive, we were not on good terms. We didn't talk to each other. And now, we can never talk to each other anymore. I still feel something is missing when I think of her untimely death. It was so sudden. Too quick. I wish for a lot of things. Although I feel that we did talk to each other in my dreams after she passed away, I wish that I could have spoken with her when she was alive and resolved all the problems we've had with each other. I wish that the last words she heard from me were, "Good night, Nanay. I love you." I wish that I saw her smile then. I wish... With that, please think about what you say to your loved ones, especially if you're fighting. You just never know when that will be the last time you will see them or they will see you.
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| Here's the deal:
I got a phone call yesterday for my mentee, AJ. He wanted to talk as usual. He is staying at the CSP Youth Shelter and they are given about 5 minutes everyday to talk to whomever they choose. I am honored that he decided to call me for his phone time. However, I've been getting feelings that he does not want me to be his mentor anymore. He would say such things as, "The new intern Eric and I did..." this and that. While I was cool with it because I saw it as him expressing how he is happy now, I feel that he's doing it to make me jealous somewhat. And it didn't really bother me until he said, "Y'know no offense, but if Eric was here before you, I would have chosen him." Now, I know that he's just a kid. Actually, he's a teenager, but how should I take this response? When it happened, I just said, "Cool, cool, I'm glad Eric is there for you." After thinking about it, I should have added, "That's great, AJ. But, that's not a very nice thing to say. Y'know mentoring is all voluntary. I love being your mentor, but if you don't want me to be, then that's your choice. It's all good with me." Yeah, so this is what I'm going through right now. Again, I know he's a kid and may not think about what he says before he says it, but this instance has just made me re-evaluate if AJ really needs me. Perhaps, a mentor who shares more in common with him will be "better" for him than me. Anyways, I called and left a message to his therapist, Gina. We'll see what happens from here. Truly, I feel that he doesn't really need me, but then again, he still calls me quite frequently. But then again, I do not know if he chooses to call me or his parents or therapist recommend for him to call me. If he chooses to call me all this time, then maybe I could still see being his mentor. But if he is in a sense being forced to call me, then maybe I should no longer be his mentor. We'll see how this goes.
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| After my sad day...
Everything turned a 180. =).
Later that same night, I spent time with my roommates helping them move around furniture since we are reorganizing our apartment. Kevin's girlfriend, Christina, is moving into his room. His old roommate now, Anthony, is moving into my room. Our whole place actually looks nice now. Great bonding time with Jess and Charles as well. Then, all the roommates plus Michelle (except for Jess and Charles) went to eat at Denny's late at night. It was coool just getting to know them more and hanging out. Wish I was here at my apartment more often last year, but hey, it's new beginnings now. So far, so good.
On Saturday, I went to my internship at the youth shelter in Laguna Beach. I had a wonderful day. I didn't tell anyone that it was going to be my last day since I completed all my hours. I didn't want any special attention. I just wanted to be with them, like every other day. I really loved working there. Earlier, worked alongside Nicole (youth supervisor). Later in the day, we went to the beach nearby with Dave (youth supervisor) and Irvin (resident). For the first time ever, I went boogie boarding! Got some boogie boarding tips from Jason (new resident who's hella tall). Haha. Came back and Amber (resident) had already returned from her outing. She started crying though because she misses her family so much. I did my best to console her, but I let the staff handle it because it's not necessarily my job to do it. I didn't want to step over anyone's toes if you know what I mean since I am not a licensed therapist or anything like that. I could have helped more though, but it's okay, Dave handled it well. It wasn't too bad. Before everyone ate dinner, I told them all that today was my last day and said my goodbyes. Amber said, "You totally could work here!". I really appreciate that. It was a bit sad because I'm a miss them all, but at least we had that closure. I'm a miss working there! I had a lot of fun and I hope that I am able to get be an On-Call Volunteer in the future. We'll see what happens...
After my internship, I went home and watched District 9 on Justin.tv. It was coooool. Not anything too special, but I could see why hella people would like it. I mean, I liked it, but it didn't like blow my mind away or anything like that. Still a good movie though. I can't wait to see if there's going to be a sequel. And then after that, I headed to Steph's place without letting her know. Haha. I got her a flower. When I got to her place, I went to the stairs of the leasing office and called her up. We hadn't talked since we fought the day before. I told her that I was still at my place. Don't know if she believed me or not, but then I told her to check outside. She met me at the stairs and all she saw was me on the stairs. As she was walking up, I gave her the flower. We made up at that point. I love her. We get into silly fights sometimes, but I love her. I really do. Then, I left because I didn't want to invade on her brother and sister time since Richard was visiting. We're being independent! Yay! Anyways, I went back to my apartment. Watched Mean Girls with Kevin, Christina, Jess, and Charles. I fell asleep half-way, but it was cooool when I was awake. lol. Woke up right after the movie finished. Jess and Charles were still there. I then went to my room and slept the night away.
The next morning, I drove to Tita Pat and Tito Ed's place for their family party. It's all the way beyond Riverside. Forgot what the city was called, but it's almost like in the middle of nowhere. It was coool though to spend time with family, but that was about it. Don't really know Tita Pat's family, Tito Ed's family, and Kuya Jenem's friends. I ate while watching the U.S. Open with Clijsters vs. Venus Williams. 6-0, 0-6, 6-4. It was a goood match. I basically just sat in front of the TV for like 2 or 3 hours until I had to go. Tita Pat gave me hella food, so yeah for starving college students! lol.
Then, I drove all the way back to Anaheim to meet with Clarice, Magno, K-mag, Mrs. Magno and Mr. Magno at California Adventure! It was hella fun! Well worth the drive to see everyone, especially my bestest bestie, Clarice!!! They said to meet them near the Mickey Fun Wheel. I went there, but no one was there in sight. I just sat at a bench and texted them. Soon after, Clarice called and they were on the Mickey Fun Wheel. I wait a little bit more, but once I saw them, I became hella happy and greeted everyone! It was awesome! Ridin' the rides with everyone, especially Magno's family. Oh yeah, bonding time with K-mag, Mr. Magno, and Mrs. Magno. =). We all saw the Aladdin show together. Luckily, I was able to tell them about it because I don't think they would have gone if I wasn't there. I don't blame them either because I hella didn't know it was worth watching until Steph showed me. Haha. We also went to Disney Animation. They went there earlier, but they didn't go through the Beauty and Beast Library and Ursula's Grotto. We went there and apparently I am Gaston! What the fuck, just because I chose that I would rather "eat nice people for lunch." lol. It was fun. We went on other rides, like the Grizzly and got HELLA wet. Saw Fantasmic in Disneyland. Ended the night with the Small World ride. By the way, I hella didn't notice before how they had Disney characters in there too, like Alice, Woody, Pinnochio, and Donald Duck. Coool easter eggs to find. lol.
We left the park soon after because Clarice wanted to buy some souvenirs for her dad and brothers at the store in Downtown Disney. Unfortunately, it closed! =(. Mr. Magno, Mrs. Magno, and K-mag left for the hotel already. But fortunately, I lied to the worker at Disneyland that I lost my wallet at the ice cream shop there. She let me in. But, then I didn't know what Clarice wanted to buy so I said something like, "But, they actually know the place better." The worker would only let one person in, so Magno went inside to buy the stuff. Perfect because not only was Clarice able to buy those souvenirs, but we were able to have BESTIE TALK TIME. lol. Afterward, I was going to just go back home, but I ended up sleeping in this chair at their hotel room. We had breakfast in the morning, and I said my goodbyes to them Filipino-style by waving to them the whole time until they are completely out of sight. lol. I miss them already, but it's cool that I am going to see them in like two weeks. I am so glad that they were able to come down and I was able to chill with them, especially Clarice! Like I told her earlier, it hella does not feel like the last time I saw her was over 6 months ago. No way! It seriously felt like I just saw her a week ago or even yesterday. It's crazy. I love it how every time when I see my friends from back home, it always feels like I never left like we pick up right were we last left off. Friendships, oh how I love it. =).
Now, I am back home. Was going to do laundry, but all the washers are taken. =/. Gotta wait a half hour so I decided to blog about my weekend. First, it was really sad. Since then, one of the better weekends of my summer! May go to eat Korean BBQ with Steph and Richard later today. Can't wait for that! Yum! My labor day weekend is not over yet!!!
p.s.
Hiii, Vicky! Haven't seen you in forever! Glad to see you're still using Xanga. I just recently got back into blogger mode if you haven't already noticed. lol. Thanks! I feel so much better now! And going to feel even more better as the day continues! =D.
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| Today was a very sad day.
To start off the day, I barely woke up around 7 AM because Jason was about to leave to return to his home in Korea. It was like I was still sleeping, but not. He told me that he was leaving already, so I pounded my fist with his and then went back to sleep. I woke up here and there because I thought Jason was still going to stay for a bit longer. I wanted to like really say goodbye to him, y'know with a hug and all that. But when I woke up at 8 AM, the apartment was quiet. Anthony drove him to the airport and everyone else was asleep. I was so sad that I was not able to really say goodbye to him. The night before when I was about to go to sleep, I checked with him to see if he would have left already by the time I woke up. He reassured me that he would say goodbye. And he did, no doubt about that, but not the way I thought; him pounding his fist with mine. That was too impersonal for me. A hug would have been dope and for me to wish him a safe flight; to just tell him to have fun in Korea and he was one the best roommates I've ever heard had seriously. But hey, I'm not mad at him or anything like that. Just disappointed in myself that I was not able to really say goodbye-goodbye to him. So, that started off my day.
Disappointed and sad, I drove to my internship listening to Sao LVP's "Losin' Control" track from back in the day. For most of the drive there, I was just missing Jason and couldn't believe that he's gone. Also, I started to think about friendships and how maybe one reason that I don't get too close with people here is that I unconsciously prep myself up for when I have to leave SoCal. I don't picture staying here forever, so maybe I don't get close with a lot of my friends here because I want the inevitable closures and goodbyes to hit me less hard than it would if I hella opened up and became best friends with them. For example, Jason leaving hit me hella hard because we grew close even though I only got to really know him for like a month or 2. We just clicked right off the bat, so for him to go... was devastating. So yeah, or maybe, this is just me thinking too hard too.
I was just thinking a lot at this point because I started to think about times when I was not able to say goodbye to people, y'know to get that closure. I thought of Nanay Elong, my Lola. We had been on not-so-good terms for a few weeks when she passed away, like we were not talking to each other. Then she unexpectedly passed away the next morning and 'til this day, I hate myself for those times I talked back to her when I was younger. I loved her. She was more than my Lola. She was my mother too. She raised me. And how did I repay her? I argued with her all the time. I was stupid and impulsive. I miss Nanay. I never got to say goodbye to her. On the way to my work, I started crying. I just let the tears flow. Well, I did have a dream with Nanay in it the next night after she died, where we finally said our goodbyes and had some closure. She said to me something like, "It's okay. Don't be scared. You know I will always love you, JR." I would like to think that she was really talking to me in my dreams. But you never know y'know. That could have just been my own doing with my imagination to make me feel better as a way to cope over losing her. I'll never know if she really spoke to me in my dreams. This devastated me as I reflected on it. Rest in Peace, Nanay Elong.
Furthermore, Steph and I got in a fight last night. It was over a small, not-so-serious matter. We were already irritated at each other from before when we fought over something then made up. I mean, we did make up, but y'know those feelings of irritation still linger somewhat even after we say "sorry" to each other. Anyways, she was leaving for her place. It was late, like 3 AM. We were leaving my front door. She said something like, "You should turn off the AC. Waste of energy." I said something like, "No, I don't want to." Then she said something like, "It's also bad for the environment." To which I said, "So?". After that, she left my apartment and I darted after her. She was really pissed at me, and I see why. But, I was trying to get in her way to stop her so that we could talk, but she kept on moving forward. At that point, I just said, "Fine. You go home." When she was heading for her car, I just went the opposite way back to my apartment. No "I'm sorry." No "good night." No "I love you." Yup, we were pretty mad at each other. And this morning, I thought about that somewhat too and it just made me feel even more horrible. Oh, what a wonderful day. And she's at Disneyland right now with her brother for his birthday, so it's not like we can talk about it and make amends. I don't wanna do that with her brother there. We'll see how it goes...
Also, at my work at the youth shelter, it's going to be my last weekend working there. Plus, AJ who I got close to while there already graduated from the program, so he wasn't there. Like, you see? There was just hella shit bothering me today that made me feel so sad. I know that it carried into my work ethic, even though I tried my best to hide it and to be happy. But, you know how those go. I didn't talk as much. I didn't want to talk as much. I just wanted to left alone which is totally opposite of what I am supposed to do at work; be social and interact with the kids. Not a good day at all.
The only good thing that really helped change my mood was getting a text from Clarice that she and Magno and his family were on the way to SoCal. Yay for my bestie and my long time homie! Ah, to think positive, I am glad that they are here and I hope that I am able to chill with them, even if it's just for 5 minutes. That would brighten up my day so much. So yeah, right now, we texting back and forth. But, just need to see what their plans are since they are with their family. I don't wanna intrude on family time, y'know. BUT, I hope that we get to chill. I hope my sad day pulls a 180. I hope...
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Next Movie to Watch: "Atonement"
